Who Are You?

I been thinking a lot about women and conflict within relationships lately. Subsequently, forgiveness as well. I don't mean conflicts over small things like asking, "Do I look fat?" and a friend telling you the truth. I mean big, relationship altering conflict. How do you handle it? Yes, yes, we know we must forgive one another but how do you handle things post apology when you may not have come to true forgiveness yet?
I ask this because I have a horrible history when it comes to major conflict and maintaining relationships afterward. I can forgive, I can ask for forgiveness, but I can look at my track record and see that once conflict passes a certain point, I'm very unlikely to make it to the next lunch date.
In earlier years I was really good at just walking away and never looking back. That's not the right thing to do; certainly not something I want to do the for the rest of my life. So my question is, what is your style of conflict resolution? Are you the "guns blazing" type who rapid fire responds to the person and when the smoke clears, looks around to see how many direct hits you've made in their emotions? Are you (like me) more likely to walk away from a relationship in which you've been hurt, regardless of your share of blame? Or are you that person I long to be who can take any issue, no matter how personal and work through it calmly and maintain the relationship. Are you the person who can go directly from talking out your issues to hugging and deciding the two of you are just as close as you ever were and what you really need to seal the deal is a good girl's night?



My Problem Begins When it Gets Personal

I think everyone should follow rules when it comes to differences in opinions or conflicts. If your goal is to solve the problem at hand, it's important to keep a few guidelines in place.

1. Never, never, never use the excuse of discussing an issue as an opportunity for personal attack. This is my biggest relationship killer. If you're angry about something I've done, stick to the things I've done. Don't expect a good outcome if you turn an argument into telling me what a lousy human being I am. What person is going to sit and listen, then proceed to "mend" the relationship? When we are hurt or angry with someone, especially someone we love, we want them to feel the pain we're feeling. Don't give in to the urge to hurt another because you are hurt.


2. The louder you yell, the more you are heard, the less what you are saying is heard. I'm sure we all make a point to talk things out, not scream them out. There are a few occasions when voices have been raised in effort to convey how strongly emotions are felt. Think about how many times this has happened and how many times it's actually helped solve a problem.


3. If you wish to reach a resolution, stick to one topic at a time. Oh emotions! Have you found yourself so angry and finally having gotten the attention of your loved one, decided it's time to tell them EVERYTHING that's on your mind? How many items in the list of shortcomings did you get through before they tuned you out? Two, three?


4. Accept the fact that you might have to agree to disagree. Have you ever been in a "discussion" with someone who will not stop until you both are in accord about the issues being discussed? The only problem is, the issue is discussed until you're in accord based on the other person's opinion.


5. Ask forgiveness if you have wronged or hurt someone, regardless of them asking forgiveness for hurting you. This is something that can put your hat in your hand. I have learned over, and over in the last years that I have no control over anyone's actions but my own. I know if I have wronged in any way, it is my duty to seek forgiveness both from my God and from the person I have wronged. Have I walked away still hurt by someone else's actions? Absolutely. Have I asked forgiveness only to not have the same asked of me? Yes, yes, and yes. I've learned (I'm a little slow) that if I can be faithful to God in that way, everything else seems to work out.


6. Just because you have someone's forgiveness, doesn't mean you've salvaged the relationship. It's funny now at 6 am that this means so much to me. This is what I wrote about above. I have done this. I am guilty of walking away and never looking back. I didn't know how much it could hurt until someone else did it to me. Very selfish, don't you think? There are parts in my life in which, emotionally, all I could do was get by. I hurt people, ended relationships and reached the point that I thought, "If you don't like my choices, don't stick around." After that season passed, I reached out and tried to right some wrongs. It hurt so, so much to find that even though forgiveness was given, it was obvious the damage was so great there was not enough left to salvage.

So what are your thoughts on the issue? Where do you fall? What do you do and how do you handle things?

Selective Hearing

I'm in the middle of reading The Tipping Point by Malcolm Gladwell. http://www.gladwell.com/tippingpoint/ He writes about how the smallest movements can trigger epidemics, fashions trends and write history. Over dinner last night I was discussing what I'd read thus far with my husband and stepson, Pres.
In one portion of the book, the idea that one person can have tremendous effects on diseases and epidemics was explored. We discussed Gladwell's remarks about the French Canadian flight attendant who claimed to have 2500 sexual partners and was linked to at least 40 of the earliest AIDS cases in North America.
We went on to discuss another portion of the book in which Gladwell discusses how personalities and social gifts can affect social epidemics. One illustration was the famous ride of Paul Revere. Paul Revere and another revolutionary, William Dawes both rode out that night to warn that the British were coming. We never hear of Dawes' ride because he failed to get the attention necessary to round local militias. Hence, the towns he rode through were not prepared because they did not listen to him. This led to a family discussion about that period in history and social factors that led to the Revolution. In all, the three of us discussed the events listed above for fifteen to twenty minutes.
This morning after getting dressed for work, my husband stopped me to tell me Pres had a question later after the discussion was over. It went something like this: "So Dad, all that stuff we were talking about earlier......Paul Revere was gay, right?"